Memo to our wives(and girlfriends)

 One proposition I have not had the courage to tackle in a 'rational' manner in the last couple of weeks is: "choose between me and Liverpool". As most husbands would agree with me, the intimidating manner in which such ultimatum is usually posed leaves no room for any unpalatable decision.

But perhaps to prevent further trouble, especially in the coming crucial month, some husbands have got together and come up with this memo which I recommend to our darling wives. So that there may be peace in our homes:
From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of every newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be totally ignored.

  • During the World Cup, the television is for us, your husbands, at all times, without any exceptions. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, we don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting us. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, we won't even see you and please make sure you put clothes on right after. Because if you catch a cold, we won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you lest we miss the next important match.

  • During the games we will be blind, deaf and dumb, unless we require a refill of our drinks or need something to eat. We know you would not, at this most crucial period, expect us to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor….It won't happen!

  • You are welcome to sit with us to watch one game and you can talk to us during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half-time score is favourable. In addition, please note that we say 'one' game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse that we 'spend time together'.

  • The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night are just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this…why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?' We don't care if we have seen them or we haven't seen them, we want to see them again. Many times.

  • Please, inform your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that require our attendance because: a) we will not go, b) we will not go, and c) we will not go!
    But, if a friend of ours invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every four years". We are immune to these words. Because after the World Cup comes the Champions League, English Premiership, Spanish La Liga, Italian League, CAF Champions League, CAF Cup, Copa Liberterdores, WAFU CUP, COSAFA Castle Cup…

Nicked this from my man Luminous.

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