9.2.06

Warren Report into Robben Shooting

The FA have begun a "Warren Report' style investigation after it appeared robben was shot by an assassin yesterday at stamford bridge during the game with Liverpool.

"This has all the signs of the Kennedy Assassination" said an FA spokesman today "So we are going to employ the same tactics to solve the mystery.

Initially it was thought a glancing brush to the face by Pepe Reina had floored robben but replays clearly show a second shot must have come from another angle as Robben's head jerks back and his face winces in pain as he drops to the ground.

"We think the shot came from the grassy knoll, a large clump of turf on the pitch just near the touch line" said the chief investigator. "We have spoken to the linesman though and he said he saw nothing."

Reina remains the chief suspect at the moment although 'ball'istics experts are going to visit stamford bridge today and try to recreate the scene "Our problem is there are several grassy knolls all over the pitch that the shot could have come from, we just don't know where to start" It is hoped that some footage from the mobile phone of Abraham Zapruder, a fan near the scene might shed some light on the whole incident. His footbage contains pictures of a badge man that investigators are said to be very interested in.

The FA remain doubtfull of this being solved, "We hired the same people last year for the assassination of gudjohnsen and they failed to find a second gunman then as well." It appears that this unknown assassin has managed a spate of similar acts over the year and so far has remained at large at stamford bridge.

Rafa Benitez said "This is rubbish, Robben clearly dived and faked it all" The FA remain unconvinced with this "Rafa is clutching at straws, we believe in our second assassin theory but can't even contemplate what Mr Benitez has suggested."

The FA have so far ruled out a lightning strike, poltergeists, ghosts, a solar eclipse, an invisible man, a thrown mobile phone, cramp and the player faking.

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