30.6.05

Behold….my knees…..

It's been happening all day on 20six. Unfortunately, I couldn't join in, as undressing in the office is frowned  upon (as it should be). Anyway, here are my knees:



and as a bonus....here is my hand.

I’m doomed…..

It's official.


I'm broke.


It's not even July yet !!

29.6.05

And the winner is…..

Paid the deposit on the flat today. It's not bad, 2 bedroom, less than 10 minute walk to the station and really, really nice.

And so it begins.

It's gonna cost a small fortune to move in and sort out stuff like TV aerial, telephone, broadband, etc. And not to forget, there's a small matter of a wedding to pay for........

River Crossing

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

28.6.05

I think I’m in love……

with the flat I saw tonight. (I said that yesterday, didn't I?)

Tonight was a lovely two bed flat, near the station, and really clean, neat, etc. All the essentials. A little bit above our budget, but manageable all the same.

however, I've been brought down to earth. It seems my 'approved' bank loan cash may not come through for a few more weeks. And the tax refund I was expecting is not yet here as well. so I don't have the cash to put down for the flat. This is not good. I can't let this flat go !!!

One more flat to see tomorrow. Yesterday, I thought I had my mind all made up. Today, I think it will be impossible to match the flat I saw tonight.

The flat we're looking at tomorrow is supposed to be brand new......'no one has ever lived in it before' she said. So all new appliances and furniture, will that sway me yet again? However, it's a one bed studio, today's was a two bed apartment.

Can't wait for tomorrow now.

27.6.05

And they call us fools.

A Black Man  walks into a prestigious private bank in Mayfair and asks for a loan fromthe  loan officer who politely tries to direct him to a more commercial establishment.

The Black Man  says he's going to Jamaica on business for two weeks and to borrow  £5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Black Man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. He has all the papers including the titleand everything checked out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee of  the bank thenproceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. The news quickly spreads throughout the bank and over lunch, the bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the dumb "Nigger's" expense for using a £250,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

Two weeks  later, the Black Man returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to  £20.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little  puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles  us is, why would you bother to borrow£5,000?"

The Black Man  smiled and then replied; "Where else in Central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £20.41 and expect it to be there when I return?".

Where do I begin?

Been a bit busy, so haven't time to blog.

This is a quick update:

* Note to self: Planning a wedding, moving flat, and studying for exams is a lot to take on at the same time. Add a few major projects at work, and you might just find that you've not got any spare time whatsoever.

*My work colleague is on compassionate leave for a while. So I'm a bit busier than usual in the office.

*Flat hunt is going OK. The one we saw tonight looks like a real winner, the landlord is a pain in the bum, but hey, you can't win 'em all, can you? I told my current landlord I'm moving out today, he didn't seem too happy.....but who cares?

*I'm so tired.

*Two more flats to look at (at least!) this week. Should make a final decision by the end of this week.

*I'm getting married to my best friend, hopefully in 123 days, 2 hours 17 minutes and 13 seconds. Well not exactly, but sometime around then ;)

24.6.05

When it rains it pours…

Impending Nuptials:

It seems I'll have to move house sooner than I planned. To book a date for the wedding, I need to know where I'll be living by then, which I don't. We're contemplating doing it in a church, but I need to figure out which parish I'll be living in. Even if we want to do it in a registry, I'll need to know which borough. So flat hunting has moved very quickly to the top of my priority list. Also, I may need to take out a small loan to pay for moving flat, and some of the expenses of the wedding. I'm hoping I don't have to borrow more than £3k.................because I'm not planning to be heavily indebt  AT ALL. I'm expecting a cheque from Inland Revenue, and also might be getting a bonus payment next month, that should offset any
loan significantly.

Morning Commute:

What's your worst possible scenario? How about being stuck in a tunnel, just before Liverpool Street station, for 20 MINUTES. Not pleasant. In an overcrowded, and VERY HOT carriage, things can get very messy (and smelly!). People start picking fights....hissing, let's just say I'm glad it didn't go on for much longer !! And I still made it to work on time, albeit, the walk from Liverpool Street helped clear my head......I never thought I could feel so claustrophobic !!

21.6.05

And the girl said yes…….

Yeah, she said 'yes'.

Although she said 'no' first just to wind me up, but the final answer was a 'yes'.

If I have to tell the story of how I proposed one more time, I'm gonna burst into a ball of flames!! I've told the story at least 500 times since Friday night. It's funny how only girls want to hear that, guys aren't very concerned.

Anyway, we find ourselves planning an October wedding in London, and one sometime next year in Nigeria. We were hoping for a small ceremony here, but the more phone calls I make, the more I realise that it may not be possible !!

After publicly saying that as a Christian, I don't believe in sex before marriage, some of my colleagues/friends have started 'the countdown to the explosion of Boso'. I have no idea what explodes, or how.... ;)

I also have to start hunting for a flat. We went to look at one last night, but decided that maybe I couldn't afford it right now, and we should wait for a few more months, so I can save a little, and move into the flat just before the wedding. Had a bit of a shock yesterday with a racist landlord.....but don't get me started on that.

The next few months are going to be hectic, stressful and exciting(AND EXPENSIVE), but you know what?

She's worth it.

18.6.05

I feell all grown up now……..

Might have something to do with the fact that I proposed to my girlfriend last night, and WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

Not that I planned it that way....

I planned to take her to the beach today, get down on one knee and ask her to marry me, but fate had a much better idea.

First of all, I had to buy the ring. I've been doing research on rings for almost 3 weeks now, and I had all but made my mind up. Unfortunately, no one stocked rings in her size (more on that later), so I went into a jewellry store, found a ring I liked.....and picked it up. It was a size too small, but the deal was that I should go ahead and use it to propose, and bring it back to have it resized (and her finger measured).

Friday night is our 'movie night' and this Friday, we were going to see the brilliant 'Batman Begins'. She was running a little late, which gave me enough time to pick the 'perfect' ring. We had planned to go for dinner in Nando's afterwards, so I thought, was Nando's a good enough place to propose? Or should I just wait for the 'beach moment'...

Well, after the movie, we went off to North Greenwich, and the queue at Nando's went out the door, and almost onto the road, we weren't in the mood for Pizza, so it was over to a nice little Chinese resturant nearby. So there we were, candle lit dinner for two.....lovely atmosphere, and a ring in my bag. So I figured, why waste this wonderful atmosphere?

I didn't get down on one knee......don't ask me why !! She has this ring she wears, so I took it off her finger, and told her I didn't want her to wear it anymore. She asked 'Why?', and I said 'Because I've got another one for you'. As she opened up the box, saw the ring, and looked over at me, I mouthed the words 'Will you marry me?'

to be continued..........................

17.6.05

Should I……

a. try and be spontaneous, and 'just do it'?

b. go ahead with my carefully laid out plans?

16.6.05

The difference between men and women

Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?

Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.

W1: Oh! That's so cute!

W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!

W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEANWHILE....

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

Wedding Cake Verse

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...

"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Lunch

Just had my lunch.


Someone in the staff room was eating a 'No Bread sandwich' from Pret.


Why they didn't bother to call it a salad, I'll never know.


It's shorter to type/print, and makes more sense !!

14.6.05

Can we talk?

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

13.6.05

you’re having a laugh !!!!

  BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Music | Michael Jackson cleared of abuse

I don't believe this !!

Tomorrow morning

I have to be at work for 8am.


Which means I have to get up at 6am.


I haven't done that since January 2004.


Wish me luck.

New UK Work Initiative

I love the city of Liverpool with all my heart, but this was a good laugh.

The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK initiative from the Government.The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

The runaway bride (see previous post)

has called a friend to let everyone know she's safe and well.


But no one has actually seen her.

11.6.05

Oh dear

Today was a friend's wedding day.

She decided not to show up.

No one knows where she is.

Oh dear.

Interesting….

Had a big fight with one of my housemates on Monday.

He just apologised to me.

Apparently, 'It was my fault he got angry' because 'I was so cool and I didn't retaliate'.

I'm in shock.

Manchester united’s new logo

What with all the red being used on Man Utd's bank balance, there wasn't enough for the logo.
Hence they had to get a new kit, new merchandise..... ah, now it makes sense



10.6.05

Dumb criminals vs. Wiseass judge

Dumb Criminal 1

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Dumb Criminal 2

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license,  they entered it into the computer,and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Wiseass

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

WiseAss Judge

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," thejudge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

So that’s how it’s done !!

My new work start time meant I managed to get a non-crowded train into work. Which meant I got to sit down. And I was also able to observe a very interesting sequence of events.

Three characters in this. One TALL, MUSCULAR guy. 2 girls.

All four of us got on at Leyton. Girls chatted all the way to the next stop Startford. One of them gets out.

Muscular guy smiles at other girl.

Girl smiles back.

Musuclar guy goes to sit next to girl.

Introduces himself and gets a handshake and more giggles.

They get chatting.

By Mile End, he's brought out his FLASH mobile, really nice looking phone, hands it to her, and she enters her number into it.

He continues to make her laugh, giggle and smile from ear to ear.

I got off at Bank.

From what I overheard, she was going to Bond street, he was going to Oxford Street.

Love on the tube, who would have thought ?

9.6.05

New shifts

I'm gonna be working shifts now.

Well, it's not too bad, on some days, I'll start at 8am, finish at 4.30pm....and others start at 9.30am finish at 6pm. Just worked out which shifts I'll be doing for the next few weeks, a bit complicated, but it'll work.

30 extra minutes sleep tomorrow, nice......

Patrick Robinson - You’ll never walk alone

This is from the Official Liverpool Website:

"Liverpool Football Club are saddened to learn of the death of a fanatical supporter from Ireland who tragically passed away in the aftermath of the Reds' Champions League victory in Istanbul.

20 year old Patrick Robinson from Carlow is thought to have suffered a massive heart attack in the seconds following Jerzy Dudek's decisive penalty save from Andriy Shevchenko in the Ataturk Stadium.

Patrick was watching the game in a local pub and jumped for joy when his beloved Reds completed their tremendous comeback to win the dramatic penalty shoot-out.

But, tragically, he died soon after, just weeks before his 21st birthday.

His uncle, Michael Owens, wrote to Liverpoolfc.tv and said: "Patrick lived for Liverpool FC. He didn't get to see his favourite player Steven Gerrard lift the European Cup because he was sadly no longer of this world, but he saw the penalty shoot out and I know he died a happy and proud young man.

"Myself and my family would like to thank Steven Gerrard and everyone connected with LFC in the past and present for giving Patrick so many great memories."

Patrick's mother Denise said: "He was a beautiful child. He was really happy and he was so popular. He was very lively and he loved sport.

"He was fanatical about Liverpool and he has been since he was four years of age. He never missed a kit and every year he bought the home and away kits."

Everybody at Liverpool Football Club would like to extend their deepest sympathies to all the family and friends of Patrick at this extremely difficult time."

It’s not good….

Today is not going well.

Came to set up a home office for one of our staff.

Forgot some stuff in the office, and it was a 20 minute drive to the nearest electronics store before I could buy it (at four times the normal price) !

Now, the CD with all the software I need isn't working.

Bugger.

7.6.05

Double Darn

My dentist's appointment went like thus:

"Your teeth are in excellent condition, no need for fillings, in fact they are surprisingly white, so no need for polishing either."

"However, you have advanced gum disease. In fact, it has begun to damage the bones in your mouth. You will need at least four appointments with the oral hygienist. You mouth will be numbed so that your gums can be properly cleaned, and you will be taught how to keep
them clean."

"You're not doing anything wrong, as your teeth are immaculately clean, but you will need to get your gums sorted as soon as possible"

"Each appointment will cost you £40, but I assure you, it is worth it, because if left untreated, your teeth will start to fall out."

£160 I didn't plan to spend.

First appointment is June 23rd. I'm told I'll be driblling saliava and not be able to speak for a few hours afterwards.

Great.

Darn

I forgot my mobile phone at home today.

6.6.05

My wonderful niece…….

is a month old today.

The train approaching platform 3 is the……

I've been told never to use National rail on a Sunday unless I have to. Well, I learnt why yesterday.

First of all, the journey to Glouscester was meant to be a direct train. It said so when I bought the ticket. It said so on the ticket. But when I got to Paddington, there was no train to Glouscester at 08:35, only one to Swindon. So when I went to ask, I was told, that was my train, and that I should change at Swindon. Fortunately, the change was smooth, last time I used this same train, I had to wait for 2 hours for the connecting train at Swindon.

The journey back however, was a bit more eventful. Fortunately, there was a direct train. However, we had to wait just outside Reading for about 30 minutes due to 'congestion on the platforms' which was apparently due to 'an earlier trackside problem'. A whole heap of people got on the train at Reading. As the train sped past Slough, a mini riot ensued on the train. Apparently, the Reading people were told the train was going to Slough. So they weren't very happy. The train they were meant to get on was behind us by 10 minutes. It was fun to watch the train manager try to settle them down.........

Got to London about an hour late. Got home around midnight. So it was a good thing I took today off.......

The ‘h’air up there

First of two quick posts.

Got to the gym on Friday, only to discover that I'd left my 'gym shirt' at the office. I quickly decided to use the sleeveless vest I was wearing under my shirt to work out. Only halfway through my workout did I discover that I had not shaved my armpits for YEARS. And it was
rather bushy down there.

So it was a bit embarassing when a group of people being given a tour of the gym stopped by me when I was lifting weights, to see how the personalized gym program worked. I watched their faces squirm as I lifted my arms to show off my wonderfully groomed armpits........

Anyways, I've dealt with it now.....and shaved it all off. Just in case.

5.6.05

Ignored phone

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

4.6.05

Sin City

...is the most violent movie I have ever seen.

Bucketloads of blood.

Everywhere.

So much blood.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I liked it or not. I'm definately not going to see it again. I couldn't take it.

And classic Tarantino, the storyline all comes together at the end. But blood, blood and more blood. That's all.

3.6.05

Weekend plans….

Friday: Going to see Sin City. Hope it's a good movie.

Saturday: Got to do A LOT of ironing. And washing. clean up my room. I'm going to experiment with online shopping. As ASDA do not currently deliver to my address, I'm going to place an order with Tesco and get it delivered on Monday.I'm trying to get Monday off, if I succeed, then I'll order for delivery Monday afternoon, otherwise, it will have to be Monday night.

Sunday: I'm off to Glouscester to see my baby niece !! It's an all day trip, should be back in London around midnight.Hopefully, they'll be pics when I get back.

Hoping to get Monday off. Tuesday morning, I have an appointment with the dentist.

2.6.05

Now listen boys and girls

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - whatever you wish for, your husband will receive tenfold!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So,

KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So,

KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

So let them continue to think that way, just sit back enjoy the show.

PS: And if you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

What the?

I got my sleep mask today. However, I was a bit concerned when the packaging labelled it as a 'LOVER EYE MASK', had pictures of babes in S&M stuff on it, and was labelled as an 'Adult fun item'.

Good thing I changed the delivery address from the office, cos they open all our mail unless it's marked 'private and confidential'. I would have become a laughing stock.

1.6.05

Thierry Henry

There is something remarkable about this young French man. There are only two things I like about Arsenal:

1. The gorgeous Chiccy is a massive fan.
2. Thierry Henry is one of the most gifted footballers on the planet.

While I'm not a massive Arsenal fan, I love Thierry Henry's passion,it's so evident to see when he plays. The way he celebrates his goals, or goals from his team mates for that matter, shows that he's playing the game because he loves it. While his massive salary might 'help', I think his love of the game is the reason why he does what he does. There are few players like Henry in the world, Jamie Carragher is beginning to show this type of passion now that he's being played in central defence.

Anyway......today, Henry has made comments about Liverpool's Champions' League victory, and unlike his viciously bitter teammate Ashley Cole, he's full of praise for the men in Red.

On the Liverpool website, he praises the team, and even says he wants Liverpool to challenge for the title !!

"I really want Liverpool up there at the top," he said. "It will make it much more exciting. I hope they can catch up with us, Chelsea and Manchester United. A four way championship fight would be special.

"And you have to give credit to Liverpool. People say the English league is easy. These supporters point to the fact that English teams rarely do well in the Champions League - even though we have four teams enter every year."

"Well Liverpool, despite finishing fifth, have proved by winning the Champions League that the English league is indeed very strong. This has answered all those people who make remarks."

"Liverpool have done something for all of us and we should thank them. It was the most amazing final ever. At 3-0 down Liverpool looked completely dead. But they were able to show the fighting spirit which is so typical of an English team."

Henry also had words of praise for the club's brilliant supporters, adding: "Liverpool's fans are just amazing. The best feeling I have at away games is Anfield. It is just incredible. I love it.

"You get goosebumps when you see their supporters sing You'll Never Walk Alone."

Henry, you're the best striker ever. And I mean it.

Ashley Cole, try and learn something from this man. It will make you a better person.....I hope you lose all of last season's wages as a fine for meeting the scum from Chelski behind your club's back, you mercenary, you !!

Disaster !!

On my way home yesterday, I had to use the Docklands Light Railway, as the Central Line was all crazy....

As I passed the cinema I regulary visit at West India Quay, I noticed that the sign on top had changed. It was no longer 'UGC Cinemas' it was now 'Cineworld Cinemas' !!

Today, I picked up the Metro, and realised that there were no listings for either a UGC or Cineworld at West India Quay.

Is my movie watching in danger or what? I've got a UGC cinemas unlimited card, which I pay £14 a month for, and I get to watch as many movies as I want. I've got a month or so to go, but if the cinema has been sold, and my card is no longer valid there, then I'm cancelling as that means there's no UGC cinema in East London.

Sob, Sob.

I hate……….

Waking up at 4.30am for a pee, and then not being able to sleep again.

You see, when the sun comes out so early, I can't sleep. So I lie in bed, very tired, but unable to sleep. And it's beginning to affect my work as well. Today is not helped by the fact that I was on the Xbox till about 1.45am........

I need one of those sleep face mask things they give you on long haul flights.....you know, where you cover your eyes, and it's all 'dark'. Does anyone know where I can buy them?

PLEASE?

You might be rescuing my career.....