30.9.04

I’ve got that Friday Feeling

Only one problem, it's THURSDAY !! I don't know why, but my body clock has begun to wind down to weekend mode a day too early. I've had to remind myself several times today that I've still got another day to go before I can get to sleep in.......and that's not even gonna happen, cause I'm moving on Saturday ! Great.......

Found this Letter of complaint on the internet this morning, and laughed my head off. It's a letter from an NTL subscriber....

Also, I got more news on my friend who was assaulted. He was actually stabbed in the chest !! However, he's back at home now.....as no serious damage was done.

29.9.04

Smart Business

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next, Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."

This is how business is done!!

Lunch with an old friend

I had lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years !! He's a regular reader of my blog, and we've been in touch over the last few months. He came over to the UK last week or so, and we finally met up. Cool.....Hope to see more of him.........(D, if you're reading this, thanks for the Maggi and pepper, I'm really grateful!)

Anxiously waiting for confirmation of my job offer, but I hope it all works out. My boss has confirmed that there's nothing to worry about, and that he's heard I'll be offered something in the region of 24k + bens. He also mentioned that there was something he was not meant to know, and has so far refused to tell me. He did say that I had nothing to worry about though. My fingers have been croseed for so long, they're no longer straight. Hopefully, all will be revealed tomorrow.

What else? Not much. Should call the agent for my house to find out when I can pick up the keys. No, I'll text him...even better. He's probably the most forgetful person I've met in my life, so I expect I'll have to call him tomorrow anyways !!

Strange 911 Calls

A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.

A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."

A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot.  When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try.  There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis.  He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"

Another person called to report he had the hiccups.

A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel.  Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.

A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.

A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.

Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.

A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.

A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.Â

28.9.04

Thursday

That's the day when it will all be decided. When I should receive my job offer. Spoke to my contact at the job agency, and he has promised me that he will not stand in my way. So hopefully, there should be no problems, and from next week, I'll be a full-time employee. Yay !!


In a clear case of counting my chickens before they hatch, I did a little clothes shopping on Sunday. Well, Burton was doing 20% for cardholders, so I figured, what the heck. You see, currently, I wear a Polo shirt (with company logo) and chinos to work. If this job thing goes through, it will mean me wearing a shirt and tie (at least, it will take a miracle to get me into a suit on a daily basis!). So I bought 6 shirts, and six ties.......


I can't say I'm not nervous. But I hope it all goes through..


I got a text this morning, a friend of mine was 'seriously assaulted' on his way home, and is in hospital. I really hope he'll be OK.

Employee Training..

Dear Employees:


      It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
       Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas! and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:  You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b*tch.


3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.


5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh--ing me!


6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a s--t.


7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.


8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This s---t won't work.


10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat s---t and die.


13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.


15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.


17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?


18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.


Thank You,
Human Resources

27.9.04

Dirty War

Did anyone see that drama on BBC1 last night? Scary stuff. Basically, it was about a dirty bomb going off in London.......at Liverpool Street Station. And as they showed 'ground zero' from the sky....I saw what used to be my office smouldering, as the Gherkin was also on fire.



As look at the gherkin from my window this morning, I pray that terrorists never strike the city of London. Or at least, they do it on my day off. But with all my friends in the city, I'd rather it never happened.


I don't want to work in London anymore.

2 jokes to start your week……

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!


One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."


Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.


Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."


As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

24.9.04

Day ahead….

I'm so tired. I had to come in to work early this morning......to set up a PC before for a new staff member, just before she came in at 9am. Had a 'slight disagreement' with my girlfriend last night, so I didn't sleep too well, while trying to decide what I did wrong. We're currently not speaking, and I'm really angry with her (she left a msg on  my phone saying sorry, but I'm still angry).


By this time next week, hopefully 2 things would have happened. Hopefully, I'd have my work situation sorted out, and a firm job offer all signed and ready. And, I'll be getting ready to move into my own room !! It's just a room.....not too big, but hey, it's my own place !! I can come and go as I please, and I can listen to music when I like, and don't have to think about the 14 year old who has to get to school the next day when I want to watch the Ten O'Clock news....


Anyway, was meant to see the girlfriend tonight. But I'm thinking about punishing her, and not going. The thing is, if I don't I won't get to see her till next weekend, and I'm moving house then, so I'll be kinda busy. What do I do? No doubt, I will spend all day deciding what to do, and go home.....

Why Universities Would Never Give God A PhD

1. He had only one major publication. 

2. It was in Hebrew. 

3. It had no references. 

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 

13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 

14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. 

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

23.9.04

Update on my life

OK, the job situation is the most important thing right now. And there's been some progress made, but not as much as I'd hoped. First of all, my boss has said that I would be offered something in the region of £24k p.a., which isn't too bad, although it's £2k less than what I expected. But he has promised me that I'll be able to enjoy company benefits from Day 1, which is a plus !! And I'll also be a part of the company bonus scheme. This year, they've been given £3k as bonuses already, and they're expecting to get another £1k !! So, I guess it's not half bad. Also, they're hiring more IT staff, so I'm going to have someone working under me for the first time in my career !! I hope I'll be a nice boss....

It seems that my girlfriend is going to get admitted to University of Southampton, which is really good news. I was getting worried that her plans for a masters' degree would be on hold for a while, but thankfully.....it seems she'll be able to do it this year after all....

Just got back in from Dorking, my first trip to Surrey. It's a really loverly place, with lovely views and hills and all, farms, I really wish I took my camera up there. Anyways.....

I've been so busy this week, it's illegal. And things aren't slowing down. What the? It's Thursday already? 5pm? Time flies when you're working your ass off !!!!!!

Entertaining yourself in the workplace

Feeling bored in the workplace? Looking for something new and exciting to do?  Why not initiate an workplace dare system - Well read on.

One Point Workplace Dares

(1) Run one lap around the workplace at top speed.

(2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
(3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

(4) Phone a work colleague you barely know, leave your name and say,  "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

(5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

(6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

(7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way. But thanks for noticing".

(8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

(9) While riding in the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Point Workplace Dares

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.

(2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all  that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

(3) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

(4) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Workplace Dares

(1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

(2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

(3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

(4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

(5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent.  As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

(6) While a colleague is out, move his or her chair into the elevator.

(7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

(8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

(9) In a colleague's calendar/planner write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

(10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

(11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

(12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

(13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

(14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
(15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

(16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

(17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and cookie, smash each cookie with your fist.

(18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

(19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you . .

(1) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

(2) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?"

(3) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

(4) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

(5) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

(6) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

(7) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

22.9.04

Sad day on Merseyside

To all my fellow Liverpool Fans:

Yeah, we lost to Man. U.

Yeah, Stevie Gerrard is injured for at least 2 months.

Yeah, we played crap.

Yeah, we tend to play crap when Gerrard is not playing.

But........

No buts.

I'm not really happy to be an LFC fan right now...........Mr. Benitez....make me smile again?

Will blog about good news tomorrow, I've been MAD busy the last few days. Have to go down to Dorking tomorrow, so might not be able to blog till afternoon.

A Man’s guide to what a woman is saying

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
....  without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
....  you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

17.9.04

Great news on the job front

Early this week, my boss told me that my services were still needed, and that they would like to look at extending my contract. I told him I was happy working with them too....but I'd like to earn a little more money. No problem, he said....negotiate with your agency........

However, I had mentioned to a close friend at work that I wouldn't mind a permanent job here. He mentioned it to my boss. (After we'd spoken). With all the recruitment agencies calling me continously during the work day, I'm sure they realised they had to move quickly, or I'd be off to another contract. Now, I'm sure I'd get something good elsewhere......what I'm scared about it I need some steady income right now, as I settle into my new house.

Yesterday, he came out of a meeting with the MD, looked at me and said....."Don't go anywhere!" Basically, he was certain that the company wanted to take me on, as permanent staff !! It's all in the hands of my agency now, they will talk to the agency about what they need to do...and I hope they let me go without too much hassle, or a ridicolous fee that will scare my company off....

And today, my boss (who I should mention, works for an outsourcing company, not the company that hopefully will employ me), and I worked out that I should ask for an annual salary of £26k. So what happens now? Well, it's all in the hands of the employment agency........I'm not sure how much they'd want to collect, and I hope it won't be too much. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and hope it all goes well.........

Military Wisdom

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

16.9.04

Office gossip, Dieting, and a load of other stuff

Working in IT means working around people's desks. Installing software while they chat on the phone, or talk to their team mates. And getting to hear the latest office gossip, from as many sources as possible.So I find myself, a hub of office gossip. In my old job back in Nigeria, I knew who was pregnant ages before an annoucement was made to the rest of the company, who was about to resgin, who had been sacked, who was scared she was pregnant, who was considering breaking up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, everything. When it came to office gossip, I WAS THE KING. Months after I've left the office, I still have a lot of relevant info, gathered from several sources. It's easy, to get even more gossip, you give a little, and you get a little. So basically, it's people who still owe me, feeding me stuff........

But I digress....

Yesterday, I was installing something on the CEO's PC. He was in a meeting. Or so everyone thought. The 'meeting' was completley in french. The French guy was very fluid, while the CEO was stuttering to say the least. But when I excused myself to get something from my office, I was surprised when he said something in fluent English !! Then when I came back, I realised what was happening. It wasn't a meeting. It was a lesson. The CEO was being taught French. And the company was paying for it. Not just that, but it was also during work hours. So he was being paid to learn French. I have to get a new job. I want to be CEO.

All this confirms the rumours going round the office, that we plan to make an entry into the French financial market. So here we go again.

At last night's choir team meeting (cell), I threw out the diet, as we were treated to an array of Chinese snacks. Some were very nice, some were simply horrible. But it was really good. And I may have discovered a new Chinese supermarket, will go there next week to look for instant noodles, one of my favourites. Anyway, back to the diet. I'm currently on the slimfast plan, but it doesn't seem to be working too well. Although for the last few days, I feel full of energy, and have found myself doinf short sprints and taking walks I wouldn't normally have done. At this point, I should join the gym or something, but I can't afford that right now.

Yesterday, I stepped up a gear in the diet, I started using 'Diet Aid' pills from Boots. They are meant to increase metabolism, which should facilitiate weight loss. Well, I can feel the effect already. I feel hungrier than I have in the last few weeks, and I'm going to the toilet a lot more (both no.1 and no.2). Today is the 2nd day of using the tablets. It's like the first week of the diet, when I didn't know if I had the strength to continue.

Anyway, I've decided to stop the slimfast stuff on October 2nd (day I move into my own place). I will however try to eat only healthy food, and keep using the tablets. I will try and maintain a daily calorie intake of about 2000 cals (most days!). And with the tablets, let's see what happens.

Liverpool 2 Monaco 0

Tuesday July 30, 2002.

An important day in the life of Boso. This was the first time I ever got to watch Liverpool at Anfield. It was a friendly match against Lazio which we lost 1-0. But on that day, I saw for the first time the phenomenon that is Milan Baros at work. He came of the bench, and at one point in the match, he dribilled past the entire Lazio defence (including ex-scum Jaap Stam), and the keeper, before being viciously brought down by a tackle from behind. The referee mysteriously awarded a corner, which got the Liverpool fans really upset, but after all it was a friendly.

Since that day, I've told anyone who cared to listen, that Baros was the next big thing in football. I've even had the courage to say that if I was Liverpool manager, I'd play him ahead of Owen and Heskey !! Baros never got the chances he deserved in the 2002/2003 season. In the 2003/2004 season, he broke his leg and was out for 6 months, so his 12 goals were not exactly an indication of what he could do. Then came Euro 2004. Baros, and the entire Czech team, showed the world what they were capable of.

Last night, Baros came off the bench to score a goal that can only be described as WORLD CLASS. He was confident, and took the ball past 2 defenders and the keeper with some skillful dribbling and a well placed shot. He missed another chance towards the end of the match, but I'm sure he's bublling with confidence now, and greater things are to come. I've been singing his praises since July 30th 2002. And I'll continue to sing them for a while to come.



Last night's victory can be described as comfortable. But the best thing about it was that Liverpool created so many chances. They now play a fluid, passing game....that's a joy to watch, some even say it's similar to the way Arsenal play. The first goal of the match, scored by Djbril Cisse epitomises this new style of play. The ball moved from Garcia, to Gerrard, to Cisse, to the back of the net.



Liverpool were fluid, quick and mobile. They produced passing movements far beyond anything seen last term and the link play was outstanding. And at the hub of it all were Benitez's new Spanish recruits, Xabi Alonso and Luis Garcia.

Rafa the gaffer is urging everyone not to get too carried away, that the team is still making small steps towards what he would consider the best Liverpool team.

Bring on the scum. (Monday, 7.45 pm)

Self control

"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound."

14.9.04

Latest news

Gosh, it's been a while since I did any footie blogging.

So what's happened since? Well, Wayne Rooney has signed for the scum. And to top it all off, it seems that both Rooney and Rio Ferdinand will make their debuts (well, Ferdinand's first match in 8 months), when Liverpool play the scum on Monday. Just what we need, 2 players with something to prove. Last time this happened, was when Eric Cantona returned from his ban (after the famous kung-fu kick), against Liverpool, and inspried Man. U. to victory. Hope history doesn't repeat itself.

Graeme Souness, former Liverpool manager has been appointed manager of Newcastle. I have a sneaking feeling he won't last till the end of the year though, the fans are not 100% sure it was the right appointment, it's a big job, and I'm not too sure he's up to it. Time, of course, will tell.

Liverpool finally managed to beat someone !! OK, it was West Brom, and OK, they haven't won a match this season, but the team played very, very well. The gaffa's chuffed, so let's see how we do in our next two games. Tomorrow, Monaco, last season's beaten finalists, come to Anfield to kick off the Champions League campaign. A true test of how capable the team is, when competing against the best teams from the continent. Then on Monday, it's the all important clash with Manchester United. And on that day, the world will stand still as these 2 giants collide.

Yoshi….

Yoshi, the son of Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Yoshi, Patrick Henry, 1775." He said." Very good!

Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Yoshi: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Yoshi

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Yoshi, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Yoshi put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Yoshi says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Yoshi jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Yoshi frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" .... and Yoshi said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."

13.9.04

13 is lucky for me (Today’s date)

I was planning to ask my boss about my contract this morning, when he went and asked himself. Basically, he said that most likely, I'll be given a 6-month extension, as everyone down here is happy with my work. When I brought up the issue of pay, he said I should ask my agency to see if they can reduce their margins (they currently make £4 for every hour I work, the theiving rogues). He also mentioned something about 'making it sweet for me', with a bonus or a one-off payment or something. He said we'll talk about that when the time comes to renew the contract, but I really hope the money will be enough to buy a PC or a laptop even, 'cause I really, really need one at home (my old one was nicked just before I left Nigeria).

Saw 2 movies this weekend, 'The terminal" and "Dodgeball", and I have to say I was dissapointed by both of them. Good movies, but not excellent. Not too many 'excellent' movies out there I reckon.

Sally’s find

An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

10.9.04

The Bargain hunter…….

Today has been a good day.

Bargain 1: Being in Nigeria for the last one year, I missed out on the whole of my fave TV series, Friends Series 10. The DVDs for the series are right there on top of my wish list. But most people sell the boxset for £55 or so, which is a bit pricey. So I've been waiting till I haved saved up some money, or till the price dropped. Well, I bought a DVD off www.play.com yesterday, and when checking their current DVD offers, I say Friends Series 10 Boxset on offer for £16.99. I couldn't believe it !! How was it possible? However, this boxset has 3 discs, while the 'normal' ones have 5. After confirming that all the episodes would be on the DVDs, and that I would be able to return it if I wasn't satisfied for any reason, I paid for it. However, this 'special prmotional' version will not be available till October 25th. Not a problem. And it's also 5 days before my birthday, so hey, I've just bought myself an early birthday present.....

Bargain 2: Went out to post a letter. That was why I went out. Honest. While out, I decided to make full use of my lunch hour. Then I remembered I needed some stationary, so away to WHSmith I went. And after picking up all I needed, I decided to have a look at the DVDs and PC games on offer. And then I saw it. Unreal Tournament 2004. I've been playing the demo for a while, and I know I have to get the game soon. Normally, it's priced around £30. This one was £9.99. £9.99 for a game that's less than 2 months old? Someone at the shop must have made a mistake. It couldn't be right. I picked it up. Examined it to make sure it was the real deal. Bought it........

Loads of great DVDs on offer at WHSmith, all under £10 and I almost picked up 3 or 4. Somebody stop me.

Death of the weekend

I've been assigned a team on the choir now, which means I'll be singing at 3 Saturday/Sunday services every other week. I was meant to start this weekend, but I've managed to wriggle out of it, so on the 25th, my weekends will never, ever be the same again. Fortunately, it seems I'll be getting the weekend of the 2nd of October off, which is when I'm moving, and also the weekend of the 30th of October (my birthday, YAY!).

Diet is going well. When my girlfriend comes back from America, I'll see if she can notice any weight loss, and if she doesn't, I'm scrapping the diet. By then, I'd have been on it for 2 weeks. Just hope she doesn't visit my blog....she hasn't had web access so far anyways........

This weekend, I'm gonna watch 2 or 3 movies. 1 tonight (Dodgeball), 1 tomorrow (Terminal) and 1 on Sunday (Chronicles of Riddick). Or if I feel up to it, I might see 2 on Saturday.....I've done it before........

So anyways....have fun people, and catch you all next week.

Lodge Meeting

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

9.9.04

Pigged out

Last night. So much for my diet

Went for a meeting, and they were serving Doritos, chocolate cookies, and sweets. Couldn't resist. :p

So I start today, feeling a little dissapointed, and a part of me wants to give up all together. I went shopping a while ago, and all I could see was all the wonderful food I was going to have to give up for a while, and some food I may not eat much of every again.......What's the point of all this again?

Anyway, choir practice tonight, hopefully, that will take my mind off all of this.....

School Recommendation

When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.

"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

8.9.04

Stupid mistakes….

Mistake 1: I just ate a cake.....someone in the office was giving them out, and I had already collected mine before I remembered I was on a diet. Anyways, I'm coping well, and day 3 seems to have passed without me dropping off. So far so good.

Mistake 2: I just did a stupid thing? I have paid my deposit now, and I'm set to move into my room on the 1st of October. That's the day my contract ends !! I haven't heard anything about renewal, and I just 'peeped' at one of my boss' emails, and he said (concerning a meeting I would be expected to attend) 'I can't confirm that anyone from IT will attend, as Bunmi's contract ends the week before'. I've been trying to read in between the lines, but I'm not sure. Is he saying that it all depends on me? I'm thinking about asking him on Monday when he signs my timesheet, as they are having a meeting on Wednesday where I'm sure the issue of whether I stay or go will come up. What do I do? I'm so confused........

So anyways, if I move into my room and lose my job, I'll be out on the streets of London, begging for money to pay my rent.........!!!

7.9.04

I AM HUNGRY !!

I'm also tired, have a splitting headache that has refused to succumb to the power of Nurofen. Why did I decide to go on a diet? Is there an easier way......Day 2 is proving really tough........

A little problem, A little solution

I have kleptomania when it gets bad I just take something for it

6.9.04

Lunch break….

So I can type a bit more.....

On saturday, they showed one of my favourite movies of all time on TV, Grease...and I was appalled when B told me she'd never seen it before. After forcing her to watch the entire movie, she said she wasn't too impressed. So on the way home, I bought the DVD. Not for her, for me.....I love the movie that much, as a kid, I had watched it so many times, I knew every single word, found myself reminiscing all through the movie..

Started a diet today, and I'm going crazy already. Headache, feeling tired, need I go on. I had been thinking about starting the diet for about a month now, but hearing that Bill Clinton will need heart surgery on Friday did the trick...........

Food, foooooooooooooooddd....

Somebody help me.

Hello World…

Had a really eventful weekend. B went to New York for 2 weeks yesterday, so we spent Saturday saying our goodbyes......and now I'm all alone..........

After church on Sunday, I went to see an aunt of mine who came visiting from Nigeria, and spent some time with her and my cousins who I haven't seen in a really long time. Had loads of fun........

Then at about 7pm the bombshell, the room I was planning to rent has become available unexpectedly......I was meant to move in on October 18th, but apparently, the room will be available from tomorrow !! Unfortunately, I haven't got the money for the rent now, but I will have to pay the deposit tomorrow......if only another £300 would drop out of the sky or something. I almost lost the room, but I have now promised to move in on the 2nd of October.

I NEED MONEY !!!! Help..............

3.9.04

Gmail anyone?

Anyone want a gmail email address?

For those who don't know, Gmail is the free email service offerred by google, to compete with Yahoo! Mail and Hotmail. Google offers 1GB, that's 1000 MB, which is 10 times what Yahoo is currently offering. Yahoo! recently upped their storage space to 100MB (from a measly 6MB) to compete with Google. Hotmail is also increasing their storage capacity to try and compete as well.

Anyway, Gmail is not yet available to the public. It's still being tested, and every now and then, current users are given invitations, so their friends can help test.

So if you want to be part of the email revolution, and wanna see yourname@gmail.com, send me an email, and I'll send you an invite, I've got only 3 left................

Call a spade a spade…..

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Return of the weekend

Everything seems to be going wrong right now. I had planned for my girlfriend and I to spend some time together tonight, but it seems she has to run an errand for her aunt, and she can't make it. She's off to New York for 2 weeks on Sunday, and my tomorrow seems to be 'fully booked' already, so that means no 'quality time' till she gets back.

Got into the office this morning, went online, and found out that I wasn't paid. Great. Now I'm gonna be broke and girlfriendless.......what else could go wrong ????!?!

On the other hand, audition went well yesterday, and I'll be joing the choir in 3-4 weeks time !!

2.9.04

Mad busy

It's been mad busy in the office the last few days. So much work, so little time.

Two seperate incidents today set me thinking. This morning, the fire alarm went off, and we all had to evacuate the building while they investigated the git on the 6th floor who burnt his/her toast. So we stood outside for about 30 minutes......

While I was in the bog a few minutes ago, I thought, what if the alarm went off, and you were doing a no. 2, as in, right in the middle of it? How would you evacuate.....?

The silly way my mind works.......

I've got my audition tonight, wish me luck !!!

Olympic Comments

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."


5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."


6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."


8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?"

1.9.04

Office Sarcasm…………

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is a priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.