Carnival pictures

Over 1 million people attended, making this Europe's biggest street festival

The different floats/processions went past.

Massive drums...

The fruit lady....

Little kids...looking tired.

They seem to be enjoying themselves

Poor guy had to walk for hours with all this gear

Best seats in the house....and locing every minute of it.

Me, the lovely girlfriend(to my left in this photo), her sis(in front) and her friends.

The Nigerian 'section' or stand......rocking to NAIJA music

Suya......if I could only get to the front of the queue......


Liverpool lost to Bolton. The team played poorly, and I'm not sure I like the new manager's tactics. Gerrard on the left? One striker?

Things look even more gloomy, with the transfer deadline at midnight tonight, it seems we're going to have only 3 strikers till January at least, Cisse, Baros and Pongolle. I was really hoping that we could sign one before today. And with that, it seems the 'experiment' with a single striker is actually set to continue for a while.........

More bad news....Bobby Robson sacked. How could they do that to the great man. It's a terrible way for him to end his career...

More bad news....It's confirmed. Wayne Rooney has signed for the scum.

Back to the grind

Had a fabulous weekend, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm meant to do in the office. Long weekends should be banned, they make you so useless when you get back to work.....

Anyway, went for the Notting Hill Carnival for the first time yesterday, and it was cool. Will post some pics in a bit. Now, I need to get back to pretending to look busy.........crap..I'm so tired.

There's a meeting going on right now, and they're probably deciding whether or not to extend my contract. No pressure.


Long weekend ahead

First of all, how the heck did the silly ad thing on my blog decide to put Arsenal ads? I'm not a gunner, I'm a RED. I support Liverpool Football club, Liverpool Football club and only Liverpool Football club. Do you get that, you silly computer program? So only Liverpool FC ads from now on, OK (I hope I typed in Liverpool FC enough times for the silly thing to register)

Anyway, another week is gone. My contract draws to a close, and still no word on an extension. Been doing my best to impress my bosses here though, and I have a good feeling about it. Prevoulsy, I thought I didn't want to stay here, but now, I think I'd actually like to work here, maybe even try and eek out a career from here. But let's see what happens.....

So, a long weekend ahead. I would really have liked to go up to Liverpool for the Matthew Street Festival, it's a shame that in my 2 years up there, my only view of the festival was from behind the till at the off-license I used to work at (Bargain Booze) !!I'd just like to see the festival for real......maybe one day.

I've also never been for a Notting Hill festival. It's a Carribean street festival in London, and I have to admit, I'm a bit excited about going there. I've heard about it for years, and this will be my first opportunity to be there. And with this year being the 40th anniversary, I'm sure it will be a lot of FUN !!

See you all on Tuesday..........

If men got pregnant

- Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
- There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.
- Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
- Women would rule the world.

Arsenal - The immortals

Can they ever lose again? 43 games and counting !!! Congratulations to a truly mighty force.........

This weekend, Liverpool play Bolton. My fellow Nigerian, Jay-Jay Okocha is in fine form, and has scored 3 goals already this season. Now that his mind is concentrating on football, and not money, his game is on the up. (Okocha almost lost $1 million to a bank in Nigeria, the government recently helped him recover it). I just hope that Liverpool's Spanish imports can help us get over the dissapointment of midweek and WIN ONE !!!



When to Abbey Wood to see B last night. On the way back, London Underground decided to make my life hell, so the journey from North Greenwich to Startford which usually takes 15 minutes took about 50 minutes due to 'technical problems' and some very silly incompetent station staff.

An announcement on the platform said the next train to startford would be delayed, and would not be arriving for another 20 minutes, so passengers should take the next westbound train to Canary wharf, and use the Docklands Light Rail to get to Stratford. I made a mistake. I believed them. On getting on the other train, we were told that there were technical problems and the train wouldn't be leaving for a few minutes. 15 minutes later, we were still sat in the train, when the Startford train whizzed into the other platform, and before I could say "What the?", left. 5 minutes later, our train decided to leave. Waste of time.

Now I'm so tired. And I've got work to do as well. Not going to be a nice day.....

The difference between men and women……..(part 2)

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And by the way... Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


Lunchtime discovery…part 2

When my girlfriend came over from Nigeria, one of the first things she said was that I had put on a little weight. Not good. But having a full English breakfast, or a bacon, egg and sausage sandwich for lunch on a daily basis doesn't help matters, does it? Benjy's is cheap and all, but I find myself going to buy snacks becasue I'm not full, and the chocs and biscuits don't do me any favours either. So I was on the hunt for a 'healthy' lunch, which at the same time, would keep me full and off the snacks till I got home in the evening. And cheap would be good too.

And the wonderful girlfriend was key to my next discovery. One day, on our way to her house, we stopped over at a Chinese resturant. (My favourite, Chinese Buffet). The food is the best I've tasted in a while (at least in London). So the next day, I stopped over and bought a take away pack for lunch at work on the Monday. It was great.....so great that on Sunday, I went over there and got 4 packs....for this week. And everyone in the office has been commenting on how wonderful my food smells. I'm full up and can resist the temptation to snack. And because it's buffet, I choose lots of fish, chicken and vegetables...so it's healthy. And the best part of it all.

Costs £3.50 a pop. So my lunch spend this week goes down dramatically...!!!!

Liverpool…one step forward, two steps back and Arsenal, one step to greatness

Liverpool beat Man City over the weekend. When Anelka scored, I was beginning to think we were going to lose again, back to the 'antics' of the Houllier era. But the team had been playing well, so I wasn't worried, I was sure they'd score in the end. The 2nd half saw us win with 2 goals from the hardworking Baros and Gerrard.

Last night however, we lost to AK Grazer....didn't see the match, but hey, to lose at home? I did see the goal this morning, and I have to admit, it was a cracker. But from the reviews I've read this morning, they deserved the goal, and should have actually won the match. Not good...So Benitez has lost his first competitive match, and even though it doesn't count, as we have qualified for the Champions League proper, I'm still a bit worried about the team. Can we grind out results with the likes of Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea. I was hoping we;d come 3rd this season behind Arsenal and Chelsea. I still think we can, but the boys will have to improve, that's for sure.

Speaking of Arsenal, I have to admit that the match with Middlesborough was a cracker. Arsenal needed to avoid defeat to tie the record of 42 league games unbeaten. They were 3-1 down. They came back to win 5-3. As much as I hate Arsenal (and most of their fans), I love their football, and they are a joy to watch. Tonight, they have the chance to once again go into the record books, if they avoid defeat against Blackburn. Will be a cracker, it will.

Rescue Mum

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."


Everybody’s doing it, so why can’t I???

Last time you have..

Been drunk – Never
Smoked pot - Never (my life seems so boring, doesn't it)
Rode in a taxi – Several times, in Lagos (Nigeria) and Liverpool. Once in London, and I was so shocked about how much it cost, I've never done it again
Been dumped – Twice.....
Shoplifted – Never (At least not on purpose )
Been fired – Never
Been in a fist fight – Too many times....
Sneaked out of your parents house – Never had the guts to
Been arrested – Never
Made out with a stranger – Never
Stole something from your job – Yup, loads of stuff. Working in a shop in Liverpool, I stole loads of chocolates and sweets to make up for the fact I was being ripped off by my boss.
Celebrated new years in times square – No, not yet
Had a blind date – Nooe
Lied to a friend – Haven't we all
Had a crush on a teacher – Haven't we all ?? (Really?!?)
Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans – Nope
Been to Europe – Well, I'm now in the UK, so I guess that's a yes
Skipped school – No....I was quite the 'good' student I was

using the names of bands/singers, spell out your entire name/avatar.

B - Black Eyed Peas
O - One Hundred Hours (UK Gospel Rock Group)
S - Sting
O - Ozzy Osbourne

a p p e a r a n c e

Height - 5 ft 11 inches
Hair colour -Black
Eye colour - Black
Pierced anywhere - Nope
Tattoos – Nope

r i g h t n o w

What colour are the pants that you are wearing - Greenish type chinos (I've got no idea what the colour is called)
What song are you listening to right now - Hotel California (Eagles)
What taste is in your mouth - Clementines
What's the weather like now - Horrible and wet
How are you – Cold and anry
Get motion sickness - nope
Like to drive - Love it, and hope to get a UK driver's license soon

f a v o r i t e s

TV show – changes all the time, I loved Friends, now it's CSI
Conditioner – nope
Book – I read anything John Grisham.....I just love the guy's work
Non-Alcoholic drink – Fanta
Alcoholic drink - Don't take alcohol usually, can drink a little wine or champagne if forced to
Thing to do on the weekend – SLEEP !! Actually, I love going to the cinema

h a v e y o u . . .

Broken the law – Too many times...nothing major, and I've never been caught...
Ran away from home – Nope
Been skinny dipping – Nope
Ever tipped over a porta potty - Erm, no.
Used your parents' credit card before – nope (they never had one)
Fell asleep in shower/bath – nope
Been in a school play – yep........don't ask..

r a n d o m

Do you have a job – Yes
Your cd player has in it right now – Fred Hammond (Something 'bout Love)
If you were a crayon what colour would you be - Blue
What makes you happy – Love, laughter, making other people happy
Next CD you're gonna get – NOt sure yet, trying to save, so no new CDs for now

l o v e

Girlfriend – Yup......
Current crush – My wonderful girlfriend...
Been in love - Yep, and still am
Had a hard time getting over someone – Who hasn’t
Been hurt - Yep
Greatest regret – too many to list
Gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days – nope

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t

Time you cried – about a year and a half ago, when it seemed my life was going nowhere and I was fed up with it all
Time you got a real letter – apart from bills, it's been TOO LONG
email – Every few seconds...
the cinema – Friday....saw the Bourne Supremacy

word ass o c i a t i o n -

Rubber - Duck
Rock – Band
Green - Leaf
Wet - Ears
Peanut - Butter
Old - Hag
Steamy - Windows
Fast - Cars
Freaky - Girl



Had a great weekend. Movie on Friday night......hung out with B all day on Saturday, church on Sunday, and went to pick up a friend of B's who came in from Nigeria. Basically, I got a chance to hang out with the love of my life....and get some well-earned rest, which is really cool.

Congratulations to Arsenal for tying the record for going unbeaten in the league....and that was one hell of a match. It was a joy to watch for the 'Neutral' (even though I hate them so much), and I have to admit, they deserve any accolades they get.

This morning was simply horrible, rain, delays on the tube, a VERY crowded train, getting to work a bit late, being soaked.....but hey, I don't want to complain. And then, when checking my mail, and a few blogs on 20Six, I came across RedChic's new pic, and it really brightened up my day.....despite all the crap I've been through this morning. She had one up on Saturday, to show off her new Arsenal jersey, but the one she has today is even better......if only she wasn't an Arsenal supporter......but I have to admit she looks absolutely gorgeous.Can you be my internet girlfriend....? We can make beautiful music together.....

*Boso slaps himself, wakes up from the dream he's having, and realises he's been typing something.....*

Now I have to get back to work......

Goobers with shovels

Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the
other filling it up again.

A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.

He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."


Success !!

I finally bought the TV off ebay!! Apparently, in one of the MANY auctions I entered in, the person who won didn't pay up, so I had an offer to buy it at the price I bid for (£50) !! So I get a TV/VCR combo......and I think this one has teletext...so it's a super bargain !!!

I'm so happy.....I should get it early next week. No if only I had a place to put it..(don't get my own place till October)

Exchange Program between Spainish and English FAs

David Beckham, Michael Owen and Johnathan Woodgate. All Real Madrid players. The guys at Real Madrid must really know something we don't. While the England team suffers from lack of support after a dissapointing Euro 2004, the 'best club in the world' is stocking up on England players big time. Woodgate to me is one of the best defenders in the UK, and this move can only improve him as a player. Also, Real Madrid's defence left a lot to be desired last term, so it's a win win.......

While English players are moving to Spain, Liverpool is providing 'balance', having signed another Spainiard, bringing the total number of Spainiards at the club to 4 (including the manager), and one more to come in the next few days. Luis Garcia has been signed from Barcelona for £6. He's 23, and he's a great midfielder from what I hear. Josemi seems to be a bargain for £2 million, he's strong and I like him. Real Madrid's Antonio Nunez has already signed (and injured himself the very next day, poor chap) and Xabi Alonso of Real Sociedad could follow soon.

What I don't like is the fact that this looks like Houllier all over again. When he came, he bought loads of French/French speaking players, and a lot of them failed to impress (Cheyrou, Diouf to name a couple). So now, we have a Spanish manager, and he's bringing in Spanish players. Luis Van Gaal practically turned the Barcelona dressing room into the Dutch National team training ground, and failed miserably. The only person to do a similar thing and succeed is Arsene Wenger (although I hate to admit it!). However, he has(or has had) hardworking English players (Ray Parlour, Sol Campbell, Ashley Cole) to balance the French flair (Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira, Lauren, Pires, Wiltord).

So Man City are coming up to Anfield this weekend, and the first win of the season awaits the mighty Reds.....

Mind control………….

See if you have good mind control over your body. This is left brain, right brain stuff.

This actually is true even though it may seem stupid and it's going to really frustrate you, but it's fun!

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.

Try it.

See what I mean? So you don't have control then.



A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."



Found this picture of myself, I was all of seven years old. Isn't he just cute?

Lost the auction on ebay yesterday. 10 minutes to the end, I was in the lead, I was winning. Then my boss decided that he felt like playing Minesweeper Flags on MSN Messenger. So I obliged him (after all, I'm trying to get my contract extended !!). And after the game, someone had waited till the last 2 minutes of the auction, and outbid me!!

I found another one, and decided to try my luck again, this time, the auction was ending at 7pm. I left the office at 6.30pm, and I was still in the lead, and my max bid was way above the current price. Then........boom, 7pm prompt, I lost the TV again......WHY ?!?!

I think I'll just get a brand new one now. I've found a lovely number on Currys website, TV/VCR/DVD combo for £100 (web exclusive offer, you can only buy online) !! Really cool, and will save a lot of space too. They're temporarily out of stock, but I think I'll pick it up if it becomes available next week....

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Getting new clothes every year.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. Other Women



I've tried to buy a TV on eBay for the last 3 weeks. And each time, the same thing happens, the auction ends something in the middle of the night, and some punk wakes up at 3am to beat my bid. Last night, I was sure I was going to win, but was outbid around 3.15am, a few minutes before the auction ended. So today, I looked for an auction ending in the middle of the afternoon, and in about 2 and a half hours, I'll know if I'm the owner of a 'brand-new' 2nd hand TV/VCR combo. If I loose this one, I'm gonna buy a brand new one, can't be bothered with this auction thing much longer !!!

By the way B's (my girlfriend) ankle is now fully healed, and she's up and about. She's going to the library today (to use the internet) and then she's going to a park in her area to chill out. We should be going to a 'dinner party' together tomorrow.........

Now, back to work.......

Found Purse

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she'd left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved that the driver had found the bag. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her.

One man handed her a pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of the purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As she started to put her belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued,

"I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."


Monday morning blues.

I'm trying to 'get into the grove' this Monday morning. I've reverted to the previous blog layout, I was told that the one I was using was not too kind to the eyes, and this one is easier to read. Thanks a lot to all of you who have been reading and decided not to tell me.

Anyways, at work, I hit an important milestone today, I'm starting on the 8th week of my contract, so that means I've passed the halfway point on my 14 week contract. No news of an extension or permanent offer yet, but I hope something does, and I think I have impressed them here. I also hope the pay improves, because if it stays the same, I will barely be able to survive when I move out of my aunt's place (which is likely to be in October).

*Boso slaps himself to get back on track*

Employement speculation aside, I had a pretty good weekend.

Friday: Met up with B around 9pm, her sister left for a 2 week holiday in Budapest. B went to the airport with her. We grabbed a quick bite at Subway, and then went to her place. Ended up not watching any movie, we caught up on old times, slept off at about 2am.

Saturday: Up by 5am!! Just 3 hours sleep. B woke up first, and decided that I didn't deserve to get anymore sleep. So up we were, did some cleaning up, and saw the first movie (and eventually, the only movie) for the weekend. B fell down and sprained her ankle pretty badly. She went downstairs to meet her friends at the bus stop, and a few minutes later, called me to say she had fallen and couldn't get up. I looked out the window and saw her flat on the sidewalk. Being the classic insensitive man, I told her not to be a baby about it, and practically forced her to go out with her friends, they went to do some shopping on Oxford street. We met up my church at about 5pm for the evening service/concert (United band from Austrialia, PeterJ likes them a lot). I noticed she was limping pretty badly, and was in a lot of pain. We were meant to go for a movie after church, but I figured she needed to get home as quickly as possible to rest her ankle. I managed to get her home, and she actually burst into tears at her doorstep, the pain was quite a lot. She had been grouchy all day, and I'd been pretty mean to her, so I was really far down 'Guilt avenue' by now. Got her into bed, went to get some 'Deep Heat' and massaged her ankle. She cried again, and by now, I began to really feel sorry for her. I was really worried. I had to go home, but I made sure she was tucked into bed before I left, and I called several times before I got home (it's a 2 hour commute from her place to mine, 3 buses and one train). By the time I got home, she was half asleep when she answered the phone.

Sunday: Called B as soon as I woke up. She said the ankle got worse before she slept off, but that when she woke up, it had gotten better and the swelling had gone down. I left for her place as soon as I could. I apologised for being a pain in the arse the day before, she apologised for being grouchy, and we were back to a 'happy couple'. I was just glad she was fine. The ankle thing put a damper on the weekend, but she's fine now, and I'm sure the ankle will heal in time. Watched the Eastender's Omnibus, and some Olympics, and a few minutes of Charlie's Angels 2, she'd seen Along came Polly before I came in. Took her to Woolwich to do some shopping, and left for home about 7pm.

I'm missing her already. We should be going for a party together on Wednesday. Can't wait.

Weekend footie…..

Liverpool started their campaign with a 1-1 draw. Not too bad, considering it was away from home. The only team to win away from home this weekend was Arsenal. Kinda reminds me of league football back in Nigeria.....away wins are usually very, very rare, and when they do occur, the winning team and their fans are usually beaten up by the fans of the losers....but that's another story.

Cisse scored on his debut, which is good for any striker. It was a well taken striker's goal. Baros worked really hard, but failed to find the back of the net, but I'm sure he'll come good, the important thing will be to keep working hard for the team. We'll still need to get another good striker though, which the sad departure of Michael Owen. I still can't believe he's gone........

Josemi has been impressive in the 2 games I've seen him play. Works hard, and is difficult to get past. More of the same.....

Goober sightings…..please report any others…..

Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Goober: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Goober: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Goober: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Goober: How do you spell that


Why me?

For the last few weeks, I've been making fun of all the Arsenal fans I know over the imminent departure of Patrick Vieira. I've poked fun at them, I even used to send a friend of mine new articles on a daily basis, presss speculation on the transfer. I was so sure he was going. I was certain.

Well, this week, it emerged Real Madrid were chasing Michael Owen. And today, Friday the 13th (no wonder), it's official. Vieira is staying at Arsenal (story here) and Owen will be going to Real Madrid (story here).

So now, I'm expecting a barrage of Arsenal fans to come over to my house and show themselves to be the thugs that they are.

Quiet night in

B and I have decided to have a quiet night in, and I've been assigned the task of buying a movie for us to see. I ordered a DVD player for her, but it won't be delivered till next week, so it would have to be VHS. I just ran down to WHSmith, and was told they only stock DVDs !! I'm currently asking round the office to see if I can buy them anywhere else in this area. I wanted to see Bad Boys II, but B wanted something 'more romantic', she suggested 'Along came Polly'. As usual, I'm going to let her win on this one.

Or does anyone have any suggestions on a movie that will appeal to both of us?

Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Football

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

Tired…..and still no phone

Despite all my pleas and attempted bribes, I did not get my phone yesterday. So I'm having to survive my 2nd day being cut off from the outside world. It's not easy I tell ya........spent last night thinking of all the texts and phone calls I've missed. Blimey...

I got in really late from rehearsals last night, I left Oxford Strret at 11pm !! So I'm half awake today, and have an engineer coming to install a new photocopier/printer/scanner/stapler/does everything in the world.......and I'm supposed to learn how to use it, so I can teach the rest of the office. I hope I'm alert enough to remember what the guy will be saying.

Need coffee..........

Language lesson

A admiral in the U.S. Navy is attending an international naval conference. A one reception, he finds himself in a group of officers from around the world. One of them, a French admiral, begins complaining that while Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English and expect
others to communicate with them.

Then he turns to the American. "Tell me, Admiral," he says. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speaking French?"

"Perhaps," says the American, "it's because the British, Canadians, Australians and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German."


What the?

Now, the google ads on the top of my blog have brought up some very funny results in the past, but I'm completely baffled as to the two adverts I just saw there. I've got one ad for make-up removal and another for carper cleaning? Considering that words from the blog were scanned to decide on which adverts to show, I'm wondering how those two came up.

To anyone in doubt, I'm 150% heterosexual. Thank you.

Lost my phone

Well not really.

I helped my girlfriend carry her two VERY HEAVY suitcases around, as we made the journey from Cannon Street to her sister's place at Abbey Wood. (I couldn't meet her at the airport, as I couldn't get off work on time, but that's another story). Anyway, when I got there, I was pretty tired, and had a quick lie down before I went home. On the bus home, I checked for my phone, and realised I must have left it at her place. I've been negotiating with her and her sister to see if I can get them to bring it over to my office, but as of now, they haven't said yes, and they haven't said now. The next time I see her is on Friday, but can I manage without the phone till then? Don't have any phone numbers, can't call anyone, NOT FAIR.

Anyway, B (my girlfriend) has gone out, her sister is off to Budapest tomorrow (for 2 weeks), so she's getting to know where to do her shopping, open a bank account, buy a TV for their room, and loads of other 'girlie' stuff. I hope they find the time to come over here.

Hey, maybe it was a good idea to leave the phone there after all.

I didn't do it on purpose. Honest.

Disappearing act

A man and a woman are having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress is taking another order at a table a few steps away and notices the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, and that the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watches as the man slides all the way down and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman across from him appears calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that he has disappeared.

When the waitress finishes taking the order, she comes over to the table and says to the woman, "Pardon me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looks up at her and replies, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."



There's been this nagging problem that we've been trying to sort out at work for the last three weeks. It's been staring my boss and I in the face all this while, and we were just hoping we could sort it out before we got into any trouble. Everyday, I searched the web for possible solutions, traded emails with the suppliers of the systems, and tried different 'experiments', only to come up with nothing, and the next day, the cycle repeated itself.

My boss, who is in one week, and away the next, wasn't around this week, and gave me yesterday as a deadline, to either find a solution, or find someone we could pay that could solve the problem for us. At 2pm, I made a few phone calls, and got 3 quotations: £1300, £1000 and £800, all this was assuming the problem could be solved in one day........

So at 3pm, I spoke to a consultant working with us on another project, who had some experience with the product. He gave me a few suggestions, and was kind enough to stay with me while I tried to sort out the issue one last time. And by 4.30, it was all there, a perfectly working system.......!! I'd saved the company £1000 !!!

So excuse me if I'm feeling very happy today. And oh, there's another brilliant piece of news.

My girlfriend is flying in today.........

If I had wings, I'd be flying...............................

Winning start for Rafa

Liverpool's season has well and truly started, with a good win over Austrian double winners AK Grazer. Stevie Gerrard scored 2 great goals, and could even have had three, but one goal was dissallowed. Unfortunately, Michael Owen seems to be on his way out of Anfield, as he was left on the bench. He seems set to be moving to Spain, a dream transfer to Real Madrid or Barcelona. Yesterday's papers were full of the transfer speculation, as the papers shifted their interest from Vieira to Owen in a flash. But it seems Liverpool will be getting Morientes or Sam Eto in an exchange, which is just wonderful, these are 2 proven goal scorers that will do well for Liverpool. So Owen can go to ...........(fill in the gap).

Danny Murphy has also left, gone to Charlton, after his move to Tottenham crashed. I have a funny feeling he wanted to move to London, it may have something to do with his girlfriend being based here? So all the babble in today's press is just sour grapes..........

So, we await the first match of the season this weekend......COME ON LIVERPOOL.!!!

Airline Pilot conversations

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Big Brother 5: The one where they all became Movie Stars

Ten things your mum doesn’t want to hear

1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain???

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window???

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)


Confession time

I've gotten back my MP3 player today. Brand new. So I can confess now. I wrecked the old one.

I didn't do it on purpose. I was trying to plug it in, and I mistakenly put the power cord for my cousin's mobile phone in, and poof....it went up in smoke. On examining the power cord, it was 4.8V, while the one for the CD player was 4.5V, so technically, it wasn't too high above what was required. Anyways, I didn't mention this fact to anyone....just sent it in, and it got replaced. Have to be more careful I guess.........

Weekend review….

I saw 'I, Robot'. Twice. Didn't really plan to, a late phone call from a friend who was in town from Nigeria who wanted to see it on Friday, so we went to see it together. Then on Saturday, I had promised my nephews and niece to take them to the movies, and that was the movie they wanted to see...so I had to go see it again. It's a good movie though......really liked it. My 'to-see' list is getting longer though.....with King Arthur topping the list.

Apart from that.....not much to say about the weekend, spent it lazing around....

OK, I went to see the room I hope to get, and I have a good feeling about it, the house is a really nice house, I met up with 3 of the 4 current flatmates, and they were really nice people, and I can really see myself staying with them. And the price is also a bargain, at £320 a month...(I'm trying to negotiate it to £300). But it's not bad. I know I should really have a good look around before I commit myself, as in, have a look at some other rooms, etc. However, I've been looking at ads on the internet and around where I live...and I'm pretty certain this is a good deal. I hope to have paid the deposit by the end of the week......

Now....time for me to get back to work.

The season begins……

Yesterday, the football season kicked off, with the traditioinal curtain raiser that is the Community/Charity Shield. Arsenal won it convincingly, defeating Manchester United 3-1. The United team looked out of their depth and they crashed to defeat......but then again, they may have one eye on the champions league qualifier this week, and we should see a proper 'full strength' squad by then, considering a few high profile players are injured. But if what we saw yesterday is anything to go by, I think Manchester United is going to struggle to stay in the top 3 this season. However, Arsenal should not go about celebrating just yet, in the last ten years, only one team has gone on to win the league after winning the charity shield. (Manchester United in 1996)

Liverpool's competitive season starts on Tuesday, with a Champions League qualifier. However, there is worrying news that Danny Murphy is going to be sold to Totenham, as the club confirmed yesterday that they have accepted a £3million bid for our mercurial midfielder. Liverpool without Murphy? Every Liverpool fan knows about Murphy's law, we have never lost a match in which he has scored, and most of our victories over the old enemy, Manchester United have come via Murphy's law. So can't we just keep him? As a good luck charm?

Research Team

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In simple English what does this translate to??

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.


No excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend this Sunday, our church is going to have a "No Excuse Sunday."

Cots and hammocks will be placed in the aisle for those who say: Sunday is my only day to sleep in.

Eye drops and extra coffee will be provided for those with tired eyes from watching TV or partying late Saturday night.

Day care will be provided as always for those who find it difficult to worship with their children running amok among the pews.

There will be a special section with padded recliner chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who feel ill.

We will have steel hard hats and fire retardant suits available for those who say: The roof would cave in if I ever came to church. Or
I would spontaneously combust if I ever set foot into a church.

One section will be decorated with trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Scorecards and pens will be provided for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

Blankets will be furnished for those who say the church is too cold and portable fans for those who say it is too hot.

Our worship team will play a variety of musical accompaniments for those who feel that the hymns are too dull or that the contemporary service is too contemporary or not contemporary enough.

And finally, the entrance will be decorated for both Christmas and Easter for those who have never seen the church without them.

See you on Sunday, No Excuses!


Olympic Fun

Click on play to start the fun........

Got lost…

On my way to my interview. I got out of Euston station 15 minutes to the interview...and then wandered around till I found myself at University College London (Bloomsbury). I asked a few students, and fortunately they put me on the right track, and I got to the Social Services office at exactly 11am. Got called for my interview after waiting for less than 5 miniutes. After the interview, I came out and thought I was going the right way, not knowing that every step was taking me further away from my destination. Eventually, I found myself at Warren Street Station, which was not exactly what I had planned. Anyway, I managed to hop on the tube there, only after discovering that Bank Station was closed due to flooding. Flooding? On a hot summer's day? Great....just great. So I had to get a train to London Bridge and walk to the office from there.

Got to the office....and guess what? The men's loo is flooded, so I can't go.......why does everything happen to me??

Yesterday, today and tomorrow…..

Yesterday: I did win my race against tiime, but only just. I wasn't sure what was wrong with the laptop I was meant to fix, and luckily, the person who was complaining was out, so I just uninstalled some programs, removed some spyware, and got out of there. Went to North Greenwich for movies and pancakes at a friend's place, and it was MAD FUN. Got home about 11.15pm (on a school night!?!?)

Today: I'm leaving the office in the next 5 minutes for an interview at the DSS to be allocated an NI number. Not sure how it's going to go....hoping for the best though. They need to prove my identity, and make sure I'm in the UK to work, contribute to National Insurance and to pay my taxes...........not sponge of the state. But all should go well. Choir practice tonight, so I'll be getting home pretty late, again....Thursdays and Fridays are the hardest for me...(little sleep)

Tomorrow: I'm going to look at a room in Leyton. If it's ok, I'll be moving in in October. I'd really like to stay in the Docklands, but I'm not sure if I can afford that, and my contract won't come up for review till....October. So I guess Leyton is where the heart is........

Searching for the Saviour

A drunk stumbles onto a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stagger down into the water and stands next to the minister.

The minister turns , notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, sir-l am."

The minister than dunks the drunk under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the minister asks.

"No l haven't!" says the drunk.

The minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, "Now have you found Jesus?"

"No l have not!" bellows the drunk again.

Disgusted, the minister holds the drunk under for at least 30 seconds the third time, then brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God! Have you ! found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


Race against time

Tonight, I have to leave work on time (first time this week), get down to King's Cross, help a friend fix his laptop, and get to North GReenwich for 7.30......hope I can make it.

I've sent my CD/MP3 player back, and apparently, I'll be getting a replacement soon. YIPPEE!!! Apart from that, life is dull....

Marriage made in heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to admit them to Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter shows up, they ask him.

St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."

The couple sit and wait for an answer... for a couple of months. As they wait, they discuss whether IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, they SHOULD actually go ahead with it, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" say the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.

"Oh, COME ON!!" St Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"


The stealing continues…..

I've this quiz on 3 blogs today, PeterJ, Sw and Chintzybling...so it appears this is the hottest thing on 20Six...

As a result, I've decided to pinch (as Peter says) or borrow (as Sw says) the quiz for my own blog:

A - Age: 26
B - Band listening to: United Band (hillsong Austrialia)
C - Career in Future: CIO of some firm.....
D - Dessert you last had: yogurt
E - Easiest person to talk to: anyone who'll listen
F - Favorite song at the moment: All day - United
G - Gummy bears or gummy worms?: Bears please
H - Hometown: Abeokuta, Ogun State, Nigeria
I - Instruments you play: Played piano as a kid, still fool around with one when I see one
J - Juice or soda?: Juice......Pineapple if you've got it
K - Keep stuff or throw it away: tend to keep stuff, have promised to be brave enough to throw things away
L - Longest car ride ever: From Offa to Jos (In Nigeria) 14 hour journey in 1992
M - Monopoly or Cluedo: Monopoly....
N - Number of Siblings: 2
O - Olives Anyone?: Never had them before......and with the way they look I don't plan to.
P - Phobias: Heights
Q - Quote you like: "lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen." The last verse in the book of Matthew (Bible)
R - Reason to smile: My girfriend's coming to England next week !!
S - Last song you sang: All day - United Live
T - Time you go to bed: around 11pm...trying to start sleeping at 10pm though....
U - Unknown fact about me: I may look big and scary, but I'm really a very nice person
V - Vegetable you hate: Trick question right? I HATE them all....
W - Worst habit: Playing computer games
X - X-rays you've had: chest Xray several times
Y - Yummy food: Roast Chicken, BBQ Chicken, Southern Fried Chicken, Chinese Chicken....
Z - Zodiac sign: Scorpio (so I've been told)


Last night, we closed the office half an hour early, and while all our phones were ringing off the hook, we had champagne, to celebrate the fact that in July, we wrote more business than the company had ever written in a month.....which was great. Don't usually drink alcohol, but I had a glass, after all it was chanpagne, and we were celebrating right?

I'm still kinda tired, I'm not sure why. I tried to go to bed early last night, but my nephews and niece were having none of it.......finally went to bed at 11pm.......

Help me, please?

Software Upgrade

Dear loved ones,
Please take your time to read a complaint from a user of a unique operating system having a misconception that he is using a utility program. Thanks to the brilliance of the Software Engineer at the technical support desk. He was able to proffer a solution. What a brilliant one!

Dear Engineer,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that look up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep
Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install Does not work on this program.

Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in module House Security. The UN-installation will abort.

Can you help me, please!

Reply from Tech. Support

Dear User,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife.

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to Run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of
action will be to enter the command:


In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt3.3. program. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the
operating system.


Lunchtime discovery

I've been looking around for where I could get value for money for lunch since I started working about a month and a half ago. Previously, Boots was my favourite, with £2.70, I got a sandwich, a drink and a snack.....(crisps, choc bar). However, they didn't really have a wide range....so I found myself popping down to Sainsbury's once in a while......who seem to stock up on loads of different sandwiches, albeit for a slightly higher price. Sometimes...Pret....but I find them to be overpriced.

Today I discovered what may soon become my lunchtime favourite.Benjy's does hot food. I tried out their omelette last week, which wasn't too bad. But today, I had the full english breakfast. Now, not only am I quite full, which would never happen if I had had just a sandwich, but at £2.75, it's also EXCELLENT value for money.........

So the winner is..............Benjy's (and me of course....!!) !!!

Absolutley WONDERFUL weekend

Have you ever had a Monday morning where you woke up, and you had to convince yourself that you had to go to work? You couldn't believe that Friday was just 3 days ago? You had to drag yourself out of bed.....? That's how I feel today....

Friday was a bit of a bummer. My brand new CD/MP3 player was 'fried' when I connected it to the mains. I hope I'll be able to get it replaced.......I'm really hoping I can sort that out.

On Saturday, I had a wedding to go to, it was absolutely brilliant. Met up with friends, and had LOADS of fun all day....got home at about 10pm !! Here are some pics from the day:

Check out my photoblog for all the pics. It was great fun anyhow. On the way home, we drove down 'The Bishop's Avenue' where I saw some of the BIGGEST mansions I've seen in my life. I can't believe those kind of houses exist in England. They're all owned by rich foreigners, and quite a lot of them are NIGERIANS.........

So now, I have a new goal in life, to own property on Bishop's Avenue...........I've already done my research, there's one for sale for £4.1 million, go BOSO.......

Sunday was great....had a wonderful time in church, and then went home. When I went to repay my aunt with the money she lent me, she refused to collect it, saying she didn't lend me the money, she gave it to me....so I was automatically £150 richer. Hung out with a friend of mine, so I missed the Eastenders Omnibus (I'm now about 2 weeks behind), and Waking the dead. But hey, who cares...?

Answering machine messages

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.