16.2.04

Courtroom Jokes

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters and now published. How did the judges keep from laughing?

* * * * *

Judge: "Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

Husband: "That's fair, Your Honor. I'll try to send her few bucks myself."

* * * * *

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th

Q: What year?

A: Every year

* * * * *

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

* * * * *

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which!

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: 45 years

* * * * *

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

* * * * *

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

* * * * *

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Would you repeat that question, please?

* * * * *

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

* * * * *

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

A: Yes

* * * * *

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?

A: Yes

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

A: I resent that question.

* * * * *

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes

Q: How many were boys?

A: None

Q: Were there any girls?

* * * * *

Q: You say the stairs went down into the basement?

A: Yes

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

* * * * *

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

* * * * *

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

* * * * *

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* * * * *

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

* * * * *

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

A: OK

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral

* * * * *

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

* * * * *

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No

Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No

Q: How can you be so sure?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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